A Blip on the Radar Screen

Adventure #1

2009-06-10T14:53:00.005-05:00

I'm saying so long to my Blogger account, packing up my stuff and moving to my VERY OWN WEBSITE! Too excited for words about this, but I wanted to let you all know where to find me. This account will still be active, but will not be updated anymore. All of my blogs have been moved over already, but the new site is still under dusty construction...you'll have to pardon the plainess until I get it all done.

Thanks to all the single mama's and amazing women I've been in contact with the last few months - you all are an inspiration and wonderful support group! I can't wait for our further adventures down the rabbit hole at LookingGlassLane

You can now find me here :)

If you wanna know

2009-06-02T13:25:00.002-05:00

If he loves you so, it's in his kiss...

Yep, that's where it is <3...

Feet First Down the Rabbit Hole...

2009-05-27T11:27:00.000-05:00

I've been inspired by the many awesome ladies I follow on Twitter(@modernsinglemom, @MissIve, @fleurdeleigh, @ZenMommy, @RiaSharon & @misscriss0830) and the blogosphere. I'm joining their newest adventure Looking Glass Lane and compiling my very own dossier. I'm not very good at self description, but I'm working on it. This is attempt #1 and I may have to come back to revise later, but here we go...

My Dossier (@jrporter to the twitterverse)

Looking Glass Powers:
Ability to call it like I see it - that's just how I roll
Ability to ...
(more to come, but I'm stumped with this part and am not happy with how it's going)

Dress-up Closet:
Knee high socks, dark wash jeans, must-have Fossil watch, comfy t-shirts, and every color flip-flop you can imagine

Disguise:
Little black dress and red Nine West heels - for when I really want to go incognito ;)

Go-To Gadget:
Canon PowerShot, iPhone and my PowerMac G4

Vice:
Rag Mags at the checkout stand

Magic Potion:
Leinie's Berry Weiss in the summer and Malibu + Pineapple juice all year long - yummm!
And a bottle of Late Harvest Gewurztraminer

Battery Recharge Hub (other than Looking Glass Lane, of course):
My own backyard
Couch + Chick Flick + pint of Haagen Dazs Chocolate Peanut Butter ice cream
A pier looking over the bay in Seattle on a crisp clear morning, whole wheat apple muffin in one hand and a coffee in the other...

Bratty Spoilers:
A soak in a bubble filled jacuzzi tub
A massage and mani/pedi
Napping on a rainy afternoon with the one I love

Owner’s Manual:
When I find it I'll let you know

Weapon:
Wooden spoon and a frying pan - I'll wreak havoc on your kitchen!

Nemisis:
Words of hatred
Tears of pain

Secret Ambition:
Sexy Librarian - World Traveler

Inspiration Found

2009-05-08T12:57:00.001-05:00

Okay, so it took the first coat of paint in our bedroom to make it happen, but I'm now so inspired to do the rest of the house I can't stand it. I don't want to do anything else now! Atleast I was able to create a retreat for hubby and I when we want to just lay in bed and read or talk. The room is nearly finished, I received the mirror I've been waiting for in the mail today, so that can go up and then it's just crown molding and a few more artistic treats and we're done.

You can go here to see the pics I've taken so far.

Inspiration lacking

2009-04-29T15:41:00.000-05:00

I'm going to be super busy the next month or so. We've got a lot to do before our House Warming/Open House at the end of May. The problem is I'm not inspired to do anything right now. I want to get yard work done, but I don't want to do it. I want the walls painted, but don't want to paint them. These things will be eating up the time my heart really wants to spend being more creative, finishing my scrapbooks, writing and reading and enjoying life.

How do you force yourself to MAKE time for you? Where do you put it in your calendar so you don't fill it with some other thing that needs to be done?

This quote has been with me all day and I can't help but think I'm not doing a very good job listening to what lies within me. How do I fix it though?

What lies behind us, and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.~ by Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

Soft Voices Don't Always Fall on Deaf Ears

2009-04-17T09:07:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when you think you haven't made any headway, life goes and surprises you. Turns out the words I said did make an impact....We'll see where this goes, but for now this chick is happy :)

Still Waiting....

2009-04-16T14:04:00.000-05:00

Good things come to those who wait...

Or at least I hope so. It's been almost 2 weeks since the talk and I'm not sure much has changed. Knowing it won't be an automatic switch, it's still hard to feel like I got through. While I did get the best foot rub I've had in years last night, I'm not sure it was done for the reason I'd hoped for.

Still waiting...

Awesome

2009-04-06T13:11:00.000-05:00

I follow an awesome, in my opinion, blog - which you should totally check out here.

I am now addicted to Vampire Weekend's Oxford Comma and will have to go home and buy the entire album tonight. I love finding new music!

You can check out the band's site here.

This too shall pass....or at least I hope it will

2009-04-06T08:15:00.000-05:00

When you find the one you're going to spend your life with, magic happens. You get butterflies, you smile, laugh and love more than you ever thought you were capable of. You learn from one another through the happy memories, and the difficult times. When you face obstacles you face them together. But what happens when you've finally settled in and gotten comfortable and one of you starts to miss the butterflies?

I've been in a bit of a "funk" for the last week. I had to really think about how to approach my issue with my husband, but I finally figured it out Saturday morning. I had planned to talk to him Friday, but when the man you love tells you "I'm happy. I love my wife and our little dog and the home we have here", how do you then say "I'm not so happy?". I just couldn't do it. I woke up with it on my mind Saturday though and after coffee and some random show on t.v., I turned to my hubby and bit the bullet.

I am a VERY passionate and romantic person, I always have been. It's a part of me I let get pushed aside a lot and it finally made its way to the front again. My husband is the logical one. He doesn't understand flowers and gooshy cards. I've been able to learn his "language". He however cannot get his brain around mine. Romance and "raw" passion do not make logical sense to him and he's let them completely fall from his vocabulary.

I knew the convesation wasn't going to be easy or pleasant (I cried, I knew I would), but it was absolutely necessary. If I can make an effort to learn his language, he must be willing to make an effort to learn mine. I probably made him feel awful and it was not my intention to do so, but he needed to know where I was and why I had been so distracted and distant for the last week.

I'll let you know how it turns out, this will not be an overnight change and I'm not entirely certain we won't have to visit it again, but right now I'm taking comfort in the fact that he knows and it is up to him to decide where we go from here. I trust him to make the right decision.

Drool

2009-04-01T16:17:00.001-05:00

I've realized that the hubby and I both want slightly expensive cars. Someone get me a lotto ticket - quick!

This is my dream car. They don't make them anymore, but someday I will drive one.

This is hubby's car of choice.

It's not real...

2009-03-31T14:14:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I'm still on the Vampire kick. I'm secretly hoping to wake up one day and have my hubby being standing over me ready to change my world....Seriously, what is my problem? I've finished the entire series and will probably read them again, though I think it wise to move on to a different subject matter for a while first.

Brian and I watched the movie last night, which I was nervous about doing because I had such high expecations coming off the books. It was o.k. Not horrible, not nearly as bad as some people have claimed (in my opinion), but I found myself making comments throughout the whole going "that's not how that happend" or "that's not the right color", etc. Brian kept shooshing me, but I couldn't help it, it just wasn't the image I had painted for myself from the reading. All in all I suppose they did the best they could, I know from the Harry Potter experiences that some things just have to be removed or changed.

I'm at a loss right now though, for what to pick up next. I'm afraid that whatever book it happens to be will pale in comparisson to my (new) fasination of Vampires and the romance I found in those books. Stephanie Meyer may have perfectly well ruined my taste for reading....Anyway, point of this post - suggestions on where to take my mind next? Anyone have a great read?

Following the Masses

2009-03-27T11:50:00.001-05:00

So I hardly ever read, I suck, I know. I borrowed a book from a family member, a very popular read right now, Twilight. I finally cracked it open Monday night after having it for several months (sorry Kerri!). I'm now 2 chapters away from finishing it and feel like a 16 year old girl reading it. I'm obsessed with the characters, feel like I'm IN the story and want so badly to go back to High School and date Edward Cullen...it's ridiculous and I'm very aware of how crazy I am. My problem is I can't make it go away. I hate when things that aren't "real" affect me that way, but I especially hate that I can't just turn it off.

It's also led to me realizing just how much of a romantic I am and, to no fault of his own, how much my husband isn't. He has his moments and I love him dearly no matter what, but I keep hoping in the back of my mind that someday he's going to magically figure out how to be the kind of romantic *I* selfishly want him to be and totally throw me off guard. I realize it's impossible for him to know what I expect or want if I don't tell him, but I can't b/c then it's not the spontaneous romance I'm secretly waiting for...This too makes me feel like a 16 year old girl again.

As my cousin so perfectly said, I too keep waiting for my hubby to sparkle in the sun...[sigh]

I'm almost thirty, when will I get over this?

Angels On The Moon

2009-02-10T21:42:00.000-06:00

This is my most recent obsession, thanks to a great friend for introducing me to it ;).

Sample

2009-02-06T21:06:00.001-06:00

Here's a little something I wrote back in High School. Now that I have my internet connection at home you can expect more of this to follow, however only a few of you will get to read everything :).

Enjoy!

I tiptoe the midline of Route 139 and feel the summer breeze of 1986
strawberries and cream on the back porch of grandma’s house
overalls and hay fields on an old john deere and
grandpa’s rough hands still holding a fragile love and
growing older riding on an old ceramic cow pretending to shoot down all the bad guys and never getting used to the smell of a farm but finding comfort there still and
eating supper at 4:00 in the afternoon and playing bingo for gum balls and
each day that passed was a new adventure for me to behold
daisies in fields for me to pick and vegetables in grandpa’s garden and
as years passed the visits grew shorter and the time passed more quickly and
school took the place of the grandpa’s life lessons and I bought my own gum balls and
I out grew the old ceramic cow and could no longer find the bad guys or
feel the rough hands that held our fragile love and
I still love the feel of the breeze on my face as I walk the midline of Route 139

Take Me Back

2009-01-27T09:04:00.001-06:00

As I was digging through our "room of shame" last night, looking for my empty Christmas tubs, to FINALLY put away the tree, I happened upon one filled with some of my old stuff. Laying on top were 3 notebooks, first a small green journal sized one, the second a teal standard smead notebook and the third one covered with random magazine clippings that had been set into a collage on the cover. The teal and collage notebooks were full of "notes" that my best friend and I had written back and forth to each other throughout my sophmore year in HS. The smaller notebook was my writing journal from my creative writing class. It's chock full of a HS girl's best writing, poems, streams of thought, everything. What a time warp that ended up to be.

As I thumbed through the notebook, I could feel what it was like sitting in that class, one of my favorites, actually. We had a young teacher, who was always dressed in a slightly hippy manner, perfect for creative writing. I could remember what each exercise she had us do was as I turned the pages. There was the day we brought in music and just wrote down everything that came to mind as we listened, our What is project, where we wrote poems based on government, music and other general subjects. My favorite though, was our stream of consciousness. Anything and everything that you though you wrote, mine was 3 pages full. I wish I could go back to that class, I truly miss writing...

Toward the back of the notebook, I also found a poem I had written to Brian, long before he and I ever were a couple. It amazed me that even 11 years ago I must have known we were destined for each other. I'll post the poem up sometime later, but the feelings it brought back were amazing. I didn't say anything to him about how it made me feel, though I did have him read it. He didn't really react, but I don't know what I was expecting him to say or do anyway. It probably means more to me because I know what I felt when I wrote it and to him, they're just words.

I'm starting to be inspired to write again, I'm hoping I can take the time to do it. One of the assigments in the book had a note from my teacher that said "Jen, I expect great things from you. You have the desire to write, more than others...and I expect you to try and be published someday". Throughout life we wait to know that someone thinks we're good at what we're doing, I had it handed to me 11 years ago and didn't do anything with it. I was *going* to go to school for writing, I was just *going* to work for a year first and then go to college...somehow life got in the way of that. I can't go back and fix it and I may have to do some serious searching to find what was alive in me back then.

Gone but not forgotten

2009-01-23T14:21:00.000-06:00

My husband's grandmother passed away last Friday. I was out of town when he called me, standing in the middle of a Kroger grocery store in Indiana to be exact. He wasn't going to call, but his brother (correctly) suggested that he should let me know, even if I was on "vacation" for the weekend. I took in the information, asked him a million times if he wanted me to come home and, after he assured me I should stay, put it away. I just shut it off in my head. I thought about it, but couldn't react to it. I went through the rest of the weekend, accomplishing what I was there to do, spend time with my friend who I don't see very often and finish my Bachelorette scrapbook.

On the drive home I thought about Grandma Porter, all of the times I got to spend with her, what a truly classy lady she was, how I always enjoyed her stories and how she always made me feel like I was family, even 6 years ago when I was B's "new" girlfriend. I still didn't react though, I just thought.

Her memorial service is tomorrow. Starting at 9am and going until 2:30pm. I'm nervous. I'm afraid the emotion that has been sitting in reserve will spill out and I'll be a big mess. I'm afraid that the things I haven't "dealt" with yet will flood over me and some one is going to have to mop me off the floor. I'm also afraid that this won't happen, I'll stay composed and the emotions will be held in reserve again.

I don't know how to cope with this one. I can still hear her voice telling stories in my head, almost as if she's right there next to me. I can see her face, and her wide smile. She had such a soothing tone, so soft spoken and so full of love. I keep feeling that if I had known the last time was the last, I would have given her a bigger, tighter goodbye hug.

Cross your fingers for me that I make it through tomorrow retaining some form of composure, but letting myself grieve too. I hope my husband can do the same, I don't think he's completely dealt with it either.

The Difference

2009-01-06T11:37:00.000-06:00

Jenn: Some days I am reminded how much I truly love you...today is one of those days.

Brian: Oh yeah? Neat....

[sigh]

2008-12-18T16:33:00.000-06:00

I'm going home to an empty house for, what feels like, the millionth time...in reality it's not, but I've noticed how much I hate my "alone" time right now. All I want to do is spend time with the one I love and all he wants to do is something else. We're already on different schedules 3 out of the 5 work days each week. I'm clinging to every minute I get to spend with him and it feels like he doesn't mind throwing the minutes away. I'm probably just being selfish and unfair, but I've waited 11 years to be able to spend time ALONE with him and now, even though he'll say it isn't the case, he's never here...

Guess it's dinner for one again tonight...

MmmBop!

2008-11-20T17:34:00.000-06:00

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every section of your life, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new section, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool and no disclaimers allowed.

Opening Credits: "Nobody Knows" Tony Rich Project
Waking Up: "The Lights of London" David Gray
First Day At School: "Celebration" Kool & The Gang
Falling In Love: "Let Forever Be" Chemical Brothers
Fight Song: "The Crying Game" Culture Club
Breaking Up: "Something To Remember" Madonna
Prom: "Leave It Inside (Acoustic)" Toby Lightman
Mental Breakdown: "Might Love" Bob Carlisle
Driving: "Redneck Woman" Gretchen Wilson
Flashback: "Smooth Criminal" Alien Antfarm
Getting back together: "Do You Really Want To Hurt Me" Culture Club
Wedding: "Uninvited" Alanis Morrisette
Birth of Child: "Fall From Grace" Amanda Marshall
Final Battle: "Cool" Gwen Stefani
Death Scene: "Unlove Me" Julie Roberts

Wow are there some winners in there...seriously who the fuck has been messin' with my iTunes account???

Packing

2008-11-11T19:26:00.000-06:00

I'm in the middle of putting my life in boxes. Part of me wants to hang on to things, part of me wants to purge and then there's the part that wants someone else to come in and decide what I should keep and what I should let go of. I'm moving on to bigger (yay!) and better things in my life. I get to spend time in my own house, have all the privacy I've lived without for 27 years and know that my husband is coming home to me. These are happy things and I can't wait, but I also can't explain why part of me is still unsure...Maybe it's the thought of failure, the idea of NOT making it on my own or maybe it's just the change itself. I'm a creature of habit, it's why I stayed in a bad relationship too long, why I didn't quit my last job 3 years sooner, why I laugh at the same jokes over again, use the same catch phrases, love my family so much and still get warm fuzzies when I kiss my husband. It's predictable (mostly), comfortable and safe...Those three things aren't all bad, but when they make you uneasy of what the future holds, it's a whole different ball game. I've got to get myself ready for adventure, the unknown and ready to grab life by whatever it'll hand me. I'm going to enjoy this, whatever it is, wherever it leads. It's my story to write and I'm armed with blank pages and an unending supply of ink.

Someday...

2008-11-11T19:20:00.000-06:00

Someday I'll, someday we'll, someday, someday, someday....How about today?

Someday you'll leave everyone and come home to your wife when she tells you she's lonely and misses you more than anything. Someday you'll realize that taking one night away from working wasn't too much of her to ask. Someday you'll wish you had taken more days away from other things to spend time with her when she was lonely, because someday you'll be lonely too.

I hate that word....

Breathing...I Miss It

2008-11-07T08:21:00.000-06:00

I think I'm getting sick, thanks to someone here in the office who's currently spreading germs around. I HATE, repeat HATE it when I get a stuffy nose, you never appreciate breathing so much as when you can't...There goes my weekend, thank you very little...

Man am I PMSing or what??

Blah, blah, blah...

2008-11-06T11:11:00.000-06:00

GET OVER YOURSELF!!!

Okay I feel better now :). It's "one of those days" for me today. I'm tired, don't want to be at work, am sick of people bitching that Obama's gonna ruin the country and wish people could just, for one second, take a step back and think about things...

My soapbox is broken, so I'm not going to hop on it, but man am I tired of negativity lately. COME ON ALREADY!

Also, some people are jackasses, born, raised and living that way and they'll never change. Some of those same jackasses call others manipulative, when they are the ones manipulating. Look in the mirror and check yourselves out, you don't look so hot anymore, you're an absolute bore, and you're an ass...I wonder how anyone could turn you down...

On a plus side, the house is getting sooo close to being done, sweet, sweet freedom is a mere 16 days away. I'm finding that my stress relief is easy to come by if I spend some time online searching for blinds, curtains, paint colors or any other random "new house" item I feel I'm going to need (yes NEED) in the near future :)

This is What We Fight For...

2008-11-04T07:58:00.000-06:00

I voted this morning, normally this type of thing doesn't make me feel any particular way. Today, the sun was shining, it's 60 degrees in November and I walked out of the polling place with a smile. I haven't felt this strongly about any political thing until this morning. I kicked ass...

GOBAMA!

P.S. Whoever created the image above - KUDOS to you!

So It Goes

2008-11-02T08:41:00.000-06:00

I've realized this weekend just how much my life has recently changed. I'd always heard that once you get married and have a house, you stop wanting "things" as gifts and start buying practical items. I've never been so excited over a piece of furniture in my life, this weekend, however, I couldn't contain myself as Brian and I shopped for our living room/family room furniture. I caught myself last night and had a startling moment of realization (my brain went "a couch, really?!? THAT'S what is doing it for you? LAME!"). I've officially crossed over my friends. It'll be flooring, paint, new curtains and a nice patio set instead of those sweaters, shoes and jewelry I'd normally request.

I'm an old married person now...and I'm okay with it :)

Another Helping

2008-10-29T14:51:00.000-05:00

Of my musical taste. This one's been lingering in the back of my mind for a while now...enjoy :)

Happy Birthday To Me!

2008-10-29T13:25:00.000-05:00

I'm not at all conceded, however, today is my birthday and I want to buy myself something, but I cannot figure out what...

Anyone have any suggestions?

Call Me An Ass

2008-10-28T16:06:00.000-05:00

[sigh]...Yes I'm voting for Obama...

Grumble

2008-10-28T08:57:00.000-05:00

I'm uber tired this morning and not feeling that great in general. I NEED to listen to some music to wake me up and....alas my iPod is dead :(.

I want to revert back to my 3 year old self and throw a fit on the floor for the world to see, preferably in the middle of a crowded department store. That would feel so good right now...Maybe I'll go outside and kick some rocks instead.

#2

2008-10-27T12:37:00.001-05:00

This is one of my all time favorite songs - I wish I could find a link to the video, but alas...Here's the lyrics anyway.

Shades Apart - One Starry Night

Eric's room gets too small one night
(he) takes his whole apartment outside
down at his desk he sits and writes
under a streetlight

one starry night just like tonight when these
city lights seem like candlelight
one starry night somewhere between midnight
and sunrise everything will be alright

On the steps someone plays guitar
carrying into the dark
far off a saxophone begins following along
writing the same song

one starry night just like tonight when these
city lights seem like candlelight
one starry night somewhere between midnight
and sunrise everything will be alright

Angela hears the music play
sees eric and suddenly the lights change
dare she let her heart take this one chance?
she says do you want to dance?

Obsession

2008-10-27T10:16:00.000-05:00

I can NOT get enough of this song lately....

TGI...aww screw it

2008-10-24T13:26:00.000-05:00

Friday isn't much to be thankful for this week. I've got a little mini-rage going on inside my head right now that is slowly creeping toward my fingers. I'm frustrated beyond belief that there isn't more I can do for certain people. It's one of those days where you're wishing things away. I know it'll pass and everything happening is for it's own just reason, HOWEVER, I don't have to like the "going through" it phase and I don't...not one bit.

I want to scream, really, really loudly right now. I wonder why things that happen to other people affect me so deeply sometimes, to the point that I want to fight for them. Do a tag-team and just take the shit for a while so they can sit in the corner and re-group. I guess when you love someone it feels that way.

I hate that for now, my only recourse is to be a listener, an advice giver and a support. I'll just sit in my corner and silently scream...

Blown

2008-10-23T09:32:00.000-05:00

I blew it yesterday and broke my "I'm going to write EVERY DAY" resolution...I suck, I know, but I was doing much more important things, lol, yeah right, who am I kidding?

I did however catch Wil Wheaton's Criminal Minds episode last night. CREEPY...So realistically creepy in fact, that my geek crush got taken down a few notches. I am much more content thinking of him as a big geeky teddy bear, than a serial killing rapist...icky, icky, icky...

And I had a lovely conversation with SG. I miss her and my other friends. I find that I'm at home in front of my computer trying to connect too often these days. I'm craving some social time.

Soundtrack

2008-10-21T20:44:00.000-05:00

A friend has evoked music in me again, I'm using this as a place to list the more obscure stuff that I've let get lost in my over-stuffed iTunes Library.

Shades Apart (#1 song - One Starry Night - LOVE IT!!, best album - Eyewitness)
Greenwheel - the first band I ever heard live before the radio!
Jackopierce (why did I ever lose you??)
Jann Arden - Insensitive says it all
Beth Hart
Amanda Marshall
Hello Saferide - New, but I'm obsessed :)
Alice Russell - Hurry on Now - GREAT SONG
Astaire - L-L-Love (good one hit)
ATB - You're Not Alone (some people leave a good mark on you)
Azure Ray
Bonnie McKee - Trouble
Ellie Lawson - Gotta Get Up From Here - BEST SONG!
Get Up Kids
Helen Stellar - This Time Around - Greatest find from a movie yet
Ingrid Michaelson - The Way I Am
Jonathan Coulton - Another live before radio find
Marc Broussard - Come Around
Plumb
Eisley

Sorry if you've read this and expected something else. This is more of "for me" post than anything else.

I'm out -

Ahhh...

2008-10-21T19:52:00.000-05:00

Okay ladies, you can all be totally jealous, but my husband kicks some major ass. I had a Chiropractor appointment tonight, which happens every other Tuesday and Brian goes with. Tonight we met, sat down and had our adjustments. After mine, Dr. G. said he wanted them to do some "soft tissue" work on my back, made sense to me b/c it had been really sore the past couple days. I walk back and one of the therapists takes my chart and walks me into a private room (odd b/c normally you just lay in a room with about 3 beds and they work on your sore spots there. She asks how I'm feeling, I say "fine". She said, "it's been a while since you've had therapy" I agree. She then says "Well you have a half-hour massage tonight" and smiles, then continues with "your husband bought it for you." I was totally shocked caught off guard, super excited, but at the same time the first thought I had was "oh shit, I haven't shaved in a week!"....

Needless to say it was one of the best things on this planet that I have experienced. To top that off I get 4 more! My next one is scheduled (with impeccable timing) for next Wednesday....I'll be sure to shave this time :)

My new thing (for today)...

2008-10-21T13:32:00.001-05:00

I've always heard about people doing it, but I've never done it myself...until today. I went out at lunch, bought a new shirt and walked out of the store wearing it. It felt, oddly enough, totally awesome (maybe that's just the girl in me) :). It was extremely entertaing to walk up to the cashier and hand her only a tag, the look was priceless.

Oh and apparently Carl and SG are hitting it off - kudos to both ;)

Another P.S.

2008-10-20T10:27:00.000-05:00

I hate when people talk about you from 10 feet away, like you can't tell or can't hear what they're saying...

I KNOW I'M FUCKING CRABBY OKAY?!?!

Today

2008-10-20T10:00:00.000-05:00

I woke up feeling exhausted, I slept like crap last night. In fact, I was so wiped I didn't hear the alarm go off...that NEVER happens. I'm moody today, I have no patience, need more coffee and am so hungry I think I could eat Denny's out of their Grand Slam breakfasts...What is wrong with me...

On a side note, I had an excellent day yesterday. Spending the day with the Hubby and friends at Dave & Buster's was fun. Heather and I rocked the coin machines like nobody's business. Heaven help Vegas if we ever get there!

And now it's back to work, which sounds so much less appealing when all I want to do is curl up in a ball w/a caffeine drip and check out for a while. Eloquence has left me...

P.S.

2008-10-19T21:42:00.000-05:00

Several things have happened in my recent life and I've been feeling very public as of late. You might just need to get used to the new me, or you can tell me to go to hell, either way it's cool...

That's What (True) Friends Are For...

2008-10-19T21:26:00.001-05:00

I wander in the infinite internet, a lot. Poking in places, peaking behind curtains, uncovering rocks, generally sticking my nose anywhere and everywhere I can...I'm nosy like that. It has happened a couple times in my nosiness that I find things I wish I'd never seen. Witnessed some heinous violation of "proper conduct" in video, stared at a naked picture, or read something a (once) friend has written, that leaves me wondering why I'm still looking at it, or why I felt it necessary to check at all. Tiny moments that make me pause and say "is it really worth it?"

As you have mentioned there are moments in life where you walk away and think "oh I should have...". I've had several in my life, one of them was you. Somewhere the road fell from under my feet and I lost the ability to convey true feelings to you, that made me a shitty friend. I accept my failure. You, on the other hand, post hypocritical messages and continue to live your life through hypocritical actions. Good luck with that, one of us has learned from mistakes, we'll see if the other ever catches on..

I've got a fever...

2008-10-16T14:59:00.000-05:00

And the only thing that's going to help it....spending the day with a screaming child.

[sigh]

Rainy Day

2008-10-15T15:48:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting at work, drinking my afternoon latte and feeling like I haven't been productive at all today. Really I feel like I haven't been productive at all the last 3 weeks. I don't know what my deal is, but I need to get over it and fast. I have a million things to do, maybe I just don't know where to start. Time to make a list I guess, maybe my friend can help me find a way to put my shit together...maybe.

The Ties That Bind

2008-10-07T14:40:00.000-05:00

My grandmother passed away last week. I flew to Florida to attend her wake and funeral. I was accompanied by my mom, who hasn't flown in 10 years and was scared beyond belief. We made it though, without incident I might add.

It was a tough weekend. I was happy to see my grandpa (Papa) and my Aunt who I haven't seen in five years, and spend some time with my (step) sister. It sucked that it came this way, but life has it's subtle reminders for you. Take time, or live with the regret. I get to spend the rest of my life wondering what kind of relationship I could have had with my grandmother (Gramme) had I picked up the phone and called or written a letter. All I have are the memories of an 8 year old girl, blurry though they are, they're special to me.

The grandmother I remember was not the frail body I saw this weekend. I don't know what they did to her, but she was not there. I've never done well at funerals. I don't handle bodies very well typically. This time, however, I was ok. I cried and hugged family, but I also said goodbye, something I can't normally handle. I'm so grateful I could do it this time, I think I really needed it.

After the wake and funeral, we shared stories and memories of days that have long passed, it was nice to wake up in a house that I had only a childs memory of, and it was still the same. The furniture, unmoved, pictures still hung in the same place, the toast and tea for breakfast, everything just like it "used to be". Though, I am older now, I reverted back to feeling like I was that little girl again.

It was the hardest trip home I've had to make, I cried more in the last 4 days than I have in months. Real, genuine tears. I have promised myself I will not let years pass by again before my next visit and I will pick up the phone and call my grandpa more often. He's such a sweet man, I miss him already...

On my way to Orlando Airport yesterday, my husband called with some grim news of our dog. Apparently he couldn't move the back half of his body anymore and was dragging himself around. The prognosis was a herniated disc (most likely). He's on steroid therapy for a few weeks and they are hoping it will heal itself and he'll be fine. If it doesn't work, it means surgery and no guarantee that it will help at all. The thought of having to put that poor puppy (he's only 7) to sleep breaks my heart, but it hurts more to see the sadness that has consumed my husband. Rocky is literally one of his best friends.

Let's hope this is the end of my thunderstorm and I get to see the sunlight soon.

2008-09-20T08:50:00.000-05:00

I married my best friend today.

Seattle Trip 1

2008-09-16T21:19:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I spent 4 days in Seattle for PAX (Penny-Arcade Expo). Brian and I had an absolute blast! It was probably the best vacation we've taken together yet. The city is beautiful, the weather was perfect (60's and sunny - that's right NO RAIN!) and our hotel was the nicest one I've ever stayed in (Kudos to the Grand Hyatt Seattle).

The trip was long, we both worked on Thursday before flying out and didn't get settled into our room until about 1:00am, local time, which was 3:00am Central and since we had both been up since 6:00am that morning it made for a long day.

The bed swallowed me when I finally hit it, but I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to explore this great city. We met up with one of our friends who has recently moved to the area and set out to the Public Market to get some breakfast. What an interesting place! Pike's of course is there and though we waited for almost 15 minutes, we didn't get to see a fish sail through the air...next time. It's an interesting maze of stair cases and hallways lined with little niche shops. I could have spent a couple hours just exploring everything, but we were on a schedule...again, next time.

We found a great smelling place called Cinnamon Works and decided that fresh bakery would be great for breakfast.I have to say fresh muffins, an ocean view and some of the best company a girl can have, causes the best of days. We walked everywhere it seemed. Down to the piers, passing about 30 Starbucks on the way...man does Seattle LOVE coffee! The air was clean and fresh, something I haven't experienced in such a long time. The more we walked the more I fell in love with this city.

Pioneer Square produced a first for me...Utilikilt store. That's right a store specifically for Utility suited kilts. Odd, but some how befitting of my surroundings. Little did I know I'd get to see several of these in action just a few hours later. After our massive walk-a-thon we stopped back at the hotel to freshen up and chill before heading to the show. Even in the hotel room the view was amazing, Seattle is great even at 23 floors up!

Standing in the Window as You Drive Away.

2008-09-16T21:11:00.000-05:00

Rain poured from the sky, covering everything and everyone in an almost unnatural haze of gray. She was late, but that's okay, I'll always wait for her. She has something of value to me, something you were quick to push away. Where could I have gone wrong with you? What could I have possibly done...There's no point in looking for answers anymore. Just as quickly as she appeared, you were gone or were you ever really there?

The way you make her feel just isn't right. The way you've made me feel isn't either. The difference here is that I am separated by miles and distant memories, she's faced with you every day. One day you'll learn you can't walk all over her, one day you'll learn what you gave away. Then it will be too late, that ship will have sailed away from your dimly lit lighthouse...

The Big Revelation (in my tiny mind)

2008-09-04T13:55:00.001-05:00

Okay, I've started to realize how quickly I forget some of the best times I've had. Maybe I'm getting older or maybe my tiny brain is so full of other shit that I just can't keep it all in there anymore. Either way I'm starting a blog, which I swore I would never do. Here's to follow through and hoping I get some!