Packing

I'm in the middle of putting my life in boxes. Part of me wants to hang on to things, part of me wants to purge and then there's the part that wants someone else to come in and decide what I should keep and what I should let go of. I'm moving on to bigger (yay!) and better things in my life. I get to spend time in my own house, have all the privacy I've lived without for 27 years and know that my husband is coming home to me. These are happy things and I can't wait, but I also can't explain why part of me is still unsure...Maybe it's the thought of failure, the idea of NOT making it on my own or maybe it's just the change itself. I'm a creature of habit, it's why I stayed in a bad relationship too long, why I didn't quit my last job 3 years sooner, why I laugh at the same jokes over again, use the same catch phrases, love my family so much and still get warm fuzzies when I kiss my husband. It's predictable (mostly), comfortable and safe...Those three things aren't all bad, but when they make you uneasy of what the future holds, it's a whole different ball game. I've got to get myself ready for adventure, the unknown and ready to grab life by whatever it'll hand me. I'm going to enjoy this, whatever it is, wherever it leads. It's my story to write and I'm armed with blank pages and an unending supply of ink.

Someday...

Someday I'll, someday we'll, someday, someday, someday....How about today?

Someday you'll leave everyone and come home to your wife when she tells you she's lonely and misses you more than anything. Someday you'll realize that taking one night away from working wasn't too much of her to ask. Someday you'll wish you had taken more days away from other things to spend time with her when she was lonely, because someday you'll be lonely too.

I hate that word....

This is What We Fight For...

I voted this morning, normally this type of thing doesn't make me feel any particular way. Today, the sun was shining, it's 60 degrees in November and I walked out of the polling place with a smile. I haven't felt this strongly about any political thing until this morning. I kicked ass...

GOBAMA!

P.S. Whoever created the image above - KUDOS to you!

Blown

I blew it yesterday and broke my "I'm going to write EVERY DAY" resolution...I suck, I know, but I was doing much more important things, lol, yeah right, who am I kidding?

I did however catch Wil Wheaton's Criminal Minds episode last night. CREEPY...So realistically creepy in fact, that my geek crush got taken down a few notches. I am much more content thinking of him as a big geeky teddy bear, than a serial killing rapist...icky, icky, icky...

And I had a lovely conversation with SG. I miss her and my other friends. I find that I'm at home in front of my computer trying to connect too often these days. I'm craving some social time.

Ahhh...

Okay ladies, you can all be totally jealous, but my husband kicks some major ass. I had a Chiropractor appointment tonight, which happens every other Tuesday and Brian goes with. Tonight we met, sat down and had our adjustments. After mine, Dr. G. said he wanted them to do some "soft tissue" work on my back, made sense to me b/c it had been really sore the past couple days. I walk back and one of the therapists takes my chart and walks me into a private room (odd b/c normally you just lay in a room with about 3 beds and they work on your sore spots there. She asks how I'm feeling, I say "fine". She said, "it's been a while since you've had therapy" I agree. She then says "Well you have a half-hour massage tonight" and smiles, then continues with "your husband bought it for you." I was totally shocked caught off guard, super excited, but at the same time the first thought I had was "oh shit, I haven't shaved in a week!"....

Needless to say it was one of the best things on this planet that I have experienced. To top that off I get 4 more! My next one is scheduled (with impeccable timing) for next Wednesday....I'll be sure to shave this time :)

That's What (True) Friends Are For...

I wander in the infinite internet, a lot. Poking in places, peaking behind curtains, uncovering rocks, generally sticking my nose anywhere and everywhere I can...I'm nosy like that. It has happened a couple times in my nosiness that I find things I wish I'd never seen. Witnessed some heinous violation of "proper conduct" in video, stared at a naked picture, or read something a (once) friend has written, that leaves me wondering why I'm still looking at it, or why I felt it necessary to check at all. Tiny moments that make me pause and say "is it really worth it?" 

As you have mentioned there are moments in life where you walk away and think "oh I should have...". I've had several in my life, one of them was you. Somewhere the road fell from under my feet and I lost the ability to convey true feelings to you, that made me a shitty friend. I accept my failure. You, on the other hand, post hypocritical messages and continue to live your life through hypocritical actions. Good luck with that, one of us has learned from mistakes, we'll see if the other ever catches on..

The Ties That Bind

My grandmother passed away last week. I flew to Florida to attend her wake and funeral. I was accompanied by my mom, who hasn't flown in 10 years and was scared beyond belief. We made it though, without incident I might add.

It was a tough weekend. I was happy to see my grandpa (Papa) and my Aunt who I haven't seen in five years, and spend some time with my (step) sister. It sucked that it came this way, but life has it's subtle reminders for you. Take time, or live with the regret. I get to spend the rest of my life wondering what kind of relationship I could have had with my grandmother (Gramme) had I picked up the phone and called or written a letter. All I have are the memories of an 8 year old girl, blurry though they are, they're special to me.

The grandmother I remember was not the frail body I saw this weekend. I don't know what they did to her, but she was not there. I've never done well at funerals. I don't handle bodies very well typically. This time, however, I was ok. I cried and hugged family, but I also said goodbye, something I can't normally handle. I'm so grateful I could do it this time, I think I really needed it.

After the wake and funeral, we shared stories and memories of days that have long passed, it was nice to wake up in a house that I had only a childs memory of, and it was still the same. The furniture, unmoved, pictures still hung in the same place, the toast and tea for breakfast, everything just like it "used to be". Though, I am older now, I reverted back to feeling like I was that little girl again.

It was the hardest trip home I've had to make, I cried more in the last 4 days than I have in months. Real, genuine tears. I have promised myself I will not let years pass by again before my next visit and I will pick up the phone and call my grandpa more often. He's such a sweet man, I miss him already...

On my way to Orlando Airport yesterday, my husband called with some grim news of our dog. Apparently he couldn't move the back half of his body anymore and was dragging himself around. The prognosis was a herniated disc (most likely). He's on steroid therapy for a few weeks and they are hoping it will heal itself and he'll be fine. If it doesn't work, it means surgery and no guarantee that it will help at all. The thought of having to put that poor puppy (he's only 7) to sleep breaks my heart, but it hurts more to see the sadness that has consumed my husband. Rocky is literally one of his best friends.

Let's hope this is the end of my thunderstorm and I get to see the sunlight soon.

Standing in the Window as You Drive Away.

Rain poured from the sky, covering everything and everyone in an almost unnatural haze of gray. She was late, but that's okay, I'll always wait for her. She has something of value to me, something you were quick to push away. Where could I have gone wrong with you? What could I have possibly done...There's no point in looking for answers anymore. Just as quickly as she appeared, you were gone or were you ever really there?

The way you make her feel just isn't right. The way you've made me feel isn't either. The difference here is that I am separated by miles and distant memories, she's faced with you every day. One day you'll learn you can't walk all over her, one day you'll learn what you gave away. Then it will be too late, that ship will have sailed away from your dimly lit lighthouse...